Words of Wisdom

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to
myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter )

I had a rose named after me and I was very
flattered. But I was not pleased to read thedescription in the catalog: "Not good in a bed,
but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest
woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited
by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement.
-- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the two
as close together as possible. --George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only
once a year. -- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die
of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll
become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for
a jury. --Groucho Marx



My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds
back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness But it does bring you a
more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
--Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it
had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . As you grow
older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fiftty,
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
--Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch
his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal


The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out!!

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